He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
