just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
