can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
