my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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