You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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