Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
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Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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