We're like a lot better than the average bears
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
