Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
