In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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