birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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