sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
