Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
