I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just gift wrapped bread.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
