you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
