i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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