Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
