Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
