I miss vodka workout Fridays
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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