i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
