I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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