were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Can I color on your dick again?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
soo... how was my night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
