apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
