There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
