so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
