Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
