so let's talk penis.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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