john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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