saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
