I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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