Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
