I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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