I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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