He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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