so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I FOUND THE LEGS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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