I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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