so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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