Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm too high and old for this...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
