also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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