i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
