She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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