my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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