He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think your dad took our porno
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
