I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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