Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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