I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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