I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
we're so committed to being not committed
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
