...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
