I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
