I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
