dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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