He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
