Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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