Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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