I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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