Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
