That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
