He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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