You're my little dorito
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
